Life

Sometimes one just fails to appreciate and notice all the subtleties and efforts put in by your partner. Or maybe one does notice, but claims to not care, when in reality one does care, but still acts as a jerk.

I’m apologetic to a number of people in my life, who have had the misfortune of knowing me and putting in a lot, for the sake of love, friendship and / or otherwise, but getting short-changed in the process. I’m truly sorry, but no amount of apologies is going to be enough to settle the score.

I see the deficiencies in me, and I want to change. I want to be more sensitive where it really matters, and not just put up another façade where it is only shallow emotions and feelings, while the real substance just withers away waiting for the true me, for the reciprocation that is not only expected, but fair, just and only natural.

Life is cruel that way. I realize all this, but there’s little I can do, because I’m afraid to put all in myself, and love someone with all the emotions and life that I have. It is unfair, and I only hope that I turn out to be a better person, as a friend, a husband, a father and a son, when it really matters. I’ll put myself to sleep tonight with the thought that maybe the earlier failures were just training for this final event, and in that way they were justified and necessary, for all the costs that people bore, for me and for them.

I am happy to have had you in my life, and there is very little that comes close to the things that you’ve done for me. Thank you, and sorry. Please stay. You are important. To me.

I saw The Truman Show, yet again. (And I have my very last exam of the first year of my MBA-equivalent course tomorrow.)

I guess, in my life so far, the Con is the closest thing to the movie. But I’m not allowed to discuss that here.

That apart, this is one of those movies that unravels a new dimension ever single time I watch it. I first saw it when I was in my ninth or tenth grade, and while I understood and generally enjoyed the movie, I couldn’t appreciate it fully. I saw it again, once during my twelfth grade and then sometime during my engineering studies. And every single time, there were new layers and though processes.

The thing with manufactured worlds, whether it be the island for Truman, or the Matrix, or the government conspiracies in the X-files, or even our own life, (if you’d believe in intelligent design), is this: How’s it going to end? And once it does, what next?

Also: Does the end matter? If we live the moment, and have no regrets, it should be the path that should matter. Unfortunately, most of the time we simply forget that. I don’t know why these stories are scripted that way. Truman leaves the show, Morpheus and his gang wants to leave the Matrix (Neo, of course, stays behind in exchange for the gang’s freedom), Mulder wants to believe, forever. What is it that makes us want to leave what we so long believed was real, in favour of a world that is (supposedly) real?

Even if the made-up make-believe world is/was so much better?

Maybe I’m the lesser mortal, maybe I’m completely immature about this. But I choose the manufactured world. I choose the bubble.

Because in the end, it doesn’t matter.

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Google Reader makes things all too easy.